All the world's a stage, defended by double-dealers from the clone zone
Date: March 8 2003
Look closely at that politico hamming it up for the cameras - chances are he's just acting the part, writes Richard Glover.
I'm convinced that President George Bush has hired a body double. Saddam Hussein has three of them, and the Americans don't like to be left behind. I just wish they would cast the role more carefully.
The guy I saw on TV this week was simply overdoing it. There was the little bantam strut as he walked up to the lectern, these ridiculous swivels to the side showing off a pugnacious profile, and then these enormous, stagy pauses. It was all too obviously a man pretending to be a president. Is Martin Sheen from The West Wing too busy? Surely almost anyone would be more convincing.
Nonetheless, the President, or at least one of them, continues to prepare for next week's UN Security Council vote. We just wonder how France is going to react to George's latest idea: that his brother Jeb be brought in to count the votes. It worked really well for him last time.
Meanwhile, the "President" has once again been barracking for a Star Wars defence shield, with eager support from the Australians. Personally, I like the idea of basing a nation's defence on a recent movie, but is Star Wars the best choice? Don't we owe something to our local film industry?
What about a Barry McKenzie defence shield, with giant cans of Foster's beer perpetually agitated and aimed towards North Korea, the ringpulls ripped open at the first sign of trouble?
Or a Looking for Alibrandi defence shield, in which battalions of Italo-Australian grandmothers armed with ripe tomatoes and shopping trolleys would be set loose on our northern shores?
Or even a Puppetry of the Penis one, in which Australians would perform such bizarre tricks with their tocklies that the North Koreans would be driven back in horror?
A truly Aussie defence shield would do something to limit our creeping Americanisation. Consider the state election campaign, which is being run on strictly presidential lines, with both major candidates pushing forward their wives.
Bob Carr has gone furthest in this regard. His new policy pledge emerges in a TV commercial, starring his wife, Helena. The pitch is "Vote for me because my wife loves me".
In the current commercial, Helena cooks Bob dinner while he chops up basil in the background. When she's plated up the meals, he strides into shot and sprinkles the basil on top.
The hardheads of Sussex Street no doubt spent days discussing this matter. Should Bob cook the whole meal? Nah, too snaggy. Should he sprinkle on coriander instead of basil? Nah, too yuppy. Should he be in the background, in a bloodied apron, making his own smallgoods? Masculine, yes, but there goes the vegan vote.
In the end, they've gone for the basil, which is, of course, a major miscalculation for Labor. In my experience, women are very happy to have dinner cooked for them; they also, on occasion, don't mind cooking it themselves. But they are very wise to the bloke who lets them do all the work, then swans in at the last moment with a sprinkle of a basil and the claim that he "helped cook dinner".
What's the bet that once they come to eat it, Bob will look up at Helena and say: "Mmm, I think the basil really makes the dish. But what do you think, Helena? Do you think I chopped it well? Actually, I might have done it too small. Be honest. What do you think?"
In the ad, Helena chucks Bob on the chin, in grateful thanks for his basil-chopping efforts, while in the Liberal material John Brogden has his arm tightly around Lucy. The stage is set for a bidding war, in turns of whose wife loves them more. By March 22, I'm expecting steamy hot-tub photos of both couples on the how-to-votes and downloadable videos on the internet.
Perhaps all this strange behaviour can be explained: all the world's leaders, included those in NSW, have hired body doubles, who have then killed off the original leader. The whole world is now being run by out-of-work members of Actors Equity, taking their revenge for years of unemployment.
Occasionally they slip up. They'll call the back door of Parliament the "stage door", or refer to the break after question time as "interval". Or, in George Bush's case, they'll make ludicrous, hubristic speeches about how democracy will flood the Middle East once Saddam Hussein is deposed.
Consider, for example, the case of "Stan Wallis" - a veteran Australian executive who was this week offered a golden goodbye cheque of $1.6 million. He refused, citing "morality". I mean, how likely is that? Is there anyone out there who can now deny that the body doubles have taken over?
richardglover at ozemail.com.au