By DAVE BARRY Houston Chronicle
Every now and then, on this crazy planet we call Earth, you come across a story so darned heartwarming that you need to take a prescription antacid.
This is such a story.
I found out about it from alert reader David Rankin, who sent me the Jan. 3 front page of the Sevier County, Tenn., Mountain Press ("Sevier County's Daily Newspaper"). On it is an article by J.J. Kindred about a Danville, Va.-based textile company, Dan River, which was closing its Sevierville plant and laying off workers. Evidently, some savvy individual in management realized that the workers would be unhappy about losing their jobs. And so, to cheer them up, the company gave workers "something extra" in their severance packages -- something that would make these layoffs truly special:
Barbie dolls.
I swear I am not making this up. According to the Mountain Press, the "severance package" included a $100 Wal-Mart gift card, a Dan River cap, a calculator, a plaque and "three red-headed Barbie dolls."
That's right: three Barbie dolls. And all redheaded! The Mountain Press published a photo of one worker's severance Barbies, still in their boxes, smiling with radiant perkiness and ready for some layoff fun. We can only imagine the reaction of the workers when they went to the plant personnel office and received these beauties:
Management person: John, we're sorry about letting you go after 23 years at the plant, but to "soften the blow," we're giving you these.
Worker: But ... but these are ...
Management person: Yes! Barbies! Three of them! And they're identical!
Worker: Wow! These will be a huge hit with my four boys, ages 15 through 26! This is the best layoff ever!
Incredibly, according to the Mountain Press, some workers were not thrilled with their Barbies. The Mountain Press contacted a "human resources" official at Dan River headquarters, who wouldn't comment on the Barbies but did say "we are doing our best to help the employees" and "we have the best management staff around."
No doubt! Probably some of them are MBAs! But this is one of those situations where, before implementing a plan -- even a seemingly flawless and airtight plan, such as giving dolls to grown-ups who are losing their jobs -- management should have consulted with a normal, noncorporate human, or even a reasonably bright hamster. ("We have good news and bad news: The hamster liked the Wal-Mart card, but it made doots all over the Barbies.")
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