Wojtek
>
> American Coastopia!
>
> 11/2/04
>
> Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided that we
can't live in the
> United States anymore, because so many of you in the "heartland" are so
full of shit. We
> were all going to move to various other countries, but then we thought -
why should WE
> move?
>
> We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine
if it is safe for
> us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick of homophobic
knuckle-draggers in Wyoming
> contributing to the national debate on our gay marriages. So we have done
the only thing we
> could.
>
> We seceded.
>
> May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
>
> What's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and
California are
> joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New England. In the
middle of the
> country, we have taken Iowa and Illinois, mostly because we need the fine
produce of
> Iowa's soil, and the museums in Chicago are fabulous.
>
> What's with the other dots? Oh yes, we're taking Chapel Hill and Durham,
North Carolina
> too. I'm not going to live in a country without the Tar Heels. (And Duke?
You're being
> moved to Greensboro, just like Wake Forest was. Sorry! Assholes.)
>
> The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American Coastopia
needs a place
> to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with you. Sure, you can
visit, but it isn't part of
> your country anymore.
>
> I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have
most of them,
> because we're taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back, turning the
whole thing into
> a giant artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think
tanks. Wall Street and
> other financial institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we
believe will suit your
> needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a
terrorist target for
> your benefit.
>
> A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in American
Coastopia, and
> homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their discretion. We
will have our own
> currency, and trade with any countries we want. Everyone will have health
care. Everyone
> will have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be
virtually unknown. We
> believe in a
> meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and state. 100% of our cars
will be hybrid by
> 2006.
>
> Yes, we're taking all the people that ever created everything beautiful.
Yes, we're taking all
> the funny people too. All the sculptors, architects, surgeons,
philosophers, violinists and
> fishermen. You should have treated them better when you had them.
>
> We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer from
your United States
> of America. I belong to American Coastopia, the United States of My
Friends, the Nation of
> Two: my wife and I. We hold our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened
by the way
> you treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world
despises America, and we
> don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
>
> Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come to us.
In American
> Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut lattés are always hot, and
we have a trundle
> bed for each and every one of you.