October 19, 2004
BY JULIE HINDS FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER
The dividing line of the 2004 election runs deep. Husbands and wives are bickering over who's the best candidate. Parents and children are fighting about Iraq and offshoring over dinner.
You've heard of red states and blue states? There also are red-blue couples and families. "I've never seen as much arguing among couples created by an election as with this one," Joe Bavonese, director of the Relationship Institute of Royal Oak, said earlier this month. "I'm hearing a lot of people say they just don't want to talk about it with their families."
The tension he's noticed locally is a reflection of the larger national climate. The 2004 presidential race has a sense of urgency that's being stoked by disagreements over the Iraq war, worries about the economy and the fear of more terror attacks.
Democrats and Republicans seem farther apart than ever. Even so, love can conquer ideology, as demonstrated by famous partners like James Carville and Mary Matalin and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.
For Amanda Bernacchi, 31, of Huntington Woods and her boyfriend, Jeff Boucher, 43, of Berkley, it's fun to fight about politics. They've squabbled while watching the debates.
"We'll egg each other on," said Bernacchi, who prefers Sen. John Kerry because she thinks he's stronger on issues like education and health care. "I tend to get really worked up."
"I changed the channel, because she was going crazy," said Boucher, a video production company owner. "We couldn't even hear what they were saying." He said he's skeptical of politicians but prefers to let President George W. Bush handle the war on terror.
"That might be a guy thing, saying you need to listen to the content of the issues," Boucher said.
"It might be a guy thing, that if you don't think how I think, then you're wrong," Bernacchi, a graduate student at University of Detroit Mercy, quipped.
Bernacchi admitted she enjoys listening to Boucher's views and gets valuable information from him. But, bottom line, he isn't going to change her mind.
"I guess my tagline is always, I can use my vote anyway I want, so be quiet," she said with a laugh.
Couple keep it light
Nancy Bryk, 48, a museum curator and a Democrat, and her husband, Lawrence Bryk, 53, a stockbroker who's active in the Republican Party, rely on humor to keep their skirmishes light-hearted. Recently, the Ann Arbor couple had a grudge match when he changed the wallpaper on their home computer to a funny picture of Kerry. She replaced it with a humorous photo of Bush. And over and over, without either saying a word. After he posted a magazine caricature of both candidates, a truce was declared.
When strangers phone from the state Republican Party asking for the Republican in the house, she tells them to call back, even if her husband is there. "I think he's kind of bemused by it," she said. "You know, if the Democrats call me, I'd expect him to do the same thing."
The couple, married for 26 years, usually don't talk politics much until a week or so before voting day. On election night, he'll probably be at the nearest Republican headquarters, while she'll stay home and root for Kerry.
"Most of the time, it's not a big deal for us," she said. "He's a great husband. He's a wonderful father. He's very loving and supportive. When it comes election time, we just start doing this."
Debates can really heat up
For some families, laughter hasn't been an option. Relatives avoid talking about the election, for fear it will lead to a spat. Or they try alternate ways of communicating. Bavonese points to a couple who talk politics via e-mail, which gives them time to cool down before forming a response.
Why are tempers running high? Because the stakes feel higher this time, said Dave Dulio, political science professor at Oakland University.
"It's one of the most important elections we've ever had. Usually, a lot of people say it doesn't matter who's elected, that politicians are all the same. That's not the case this time around. There's a huge difference between what President Bush would do in a second term and what Sen. Kerry would do."
Tracey Stulberg, director of the Birmingham Therapy Clinic, said she's noticed a rising level of anger, "perhaps because of the war, because of the economy. The decisions being made now are affecting us now. I'm not so sure the same thing happened four years ago, when people were kind of lackadaisical."
In some cases, however, the problem isn't politics. It's that people don't know how to fight fair or tolerate differing opinions, no matter the subject.
"My advice to families that are having this kind of stress is to be able to accept alternative points of view that make you feel a little icky," said Stulberg, a marriage and family therapist. "That's why we have different political parties, different flavors of ice cream. Everybody feels a little differently, and it doesn't make anybody's feelings right or wrong."
With parents and children, political clashes are often about breaking from tradition and forging a solo path. Charles Stroud, 25, said he was a liberal until a few years ago, because that's how he was raised. Now he's a member of the College Republicans at Oakland University, where he's studying mechanical engineering. He supports Bush and is selling T-shirts on the Web with this message: "I voted for John Kerry before I voted against him."
His father, Don Stroud, 60, a retired tool and die maker, describes himself as an independent for Kerry. He's proud of his son, who lives at his home in Warren, and thinks it's great that he's become a T-shirt entrepreneur. But he's had to adjust to the fact that they are miles apart on the issues.
"We'd get into some pretty good arguments," said Don Stroud. "It got to the point where we wouldn't talk politics."
Now they're discussing it again and learning to keep their differences in perspective.
"I pick my battles, basically," said Chuck Stroud. "I love and respect my father, but there's only so much yelling you can take, so much disagreement. People that really care about politics are emotionally involved in it, and they get their emotions wrapped up in it talking to other people."
Mutual respect is key
Paula Blanchard Stone, 59, is a Democrat and public relations executive who served as Michigan's first lady when her ex-husband, James Blanchard, was governor. Since December, she's been married to Larry Stone, 67, a Republican dentist.
She said mutual respect is what makes their partnership work.
"I respect the way he comes to his views," said Blanchard Stone. "It's rational, knowledgeable, not a rash point of view. I think he does the same for me. That's one of the ground rules we have. I think we're very civil with each other when we talk about it. Every once in a while, I see a little fire in Larry's eye and I think he sees the same with me. But for us, politics is not a hill to die on, in terms of our relationship."
She said it also helps that they were both mature and established in their careers when they got married. "You realize it's OK. You don't have to agree on everything."
And you can still tweak each other with a partisan punch line. Her husband's friends "have totally accepted me, even though they know I'm an avowed Democrat," said Blanchard Stone.
"We'll see, maybe not after this election," he teased. "We may not get invited anywhere after that."
Contact JULIE HINDS at 313-222-6427 or hinds at freepress.com
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