>the bishop of Rome
Speaking of which...I love Popbitch, but I especially love the special Popebitch ish out this morning.
Doug
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"Dogs fucked the pope" - Raoul Duke ----------------------------------------------------- POPEBITCH
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|_| |_| 03.02.05 issue 247
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* The hanging testicles of the Vatican * Pope Idol: Bono, Beckham or Halliwell? * Charts: Stereophonics will be number one -----------------------------------------------------
>> Welcome to Popebitch <<
JPII yields chair to dirty Ratzinger?
As the pope lies around waiting for death
Popbitch is proud to present popebitch: a
special, one-of-a-kind commemorative issue to
keep and pass on to your grandchildren.
Current favourite to replace John Paul II is the
no-fun conservative Cardinal Ratzinger.
Ratzinger is known for his anti-gay rhetoric,
but rumours are circulating that he
might have a couple of cute, boyish skeletons
in his closet, back in Bavaria...
----------------------------------------------------- When nearly dead, the Pope will be kept on a life support system while the Vatican PR machine gets to work. In the UK, the Queen will be informed first about the Pope's death, then the BBC. -----------------------------------------------------
>> Pope Idol <<
Cast your vote for the new Pontiff
It's time for us all to nominate the next
head of the Catholic Church. Here are
some suggestions.
1. Bono.
He clearly believes he has a hot-line to God.
Let's just hope those Andrea Corr stories
aren't true.
2. Madonna
It would be good to see her rocking a crucifix
again. She's also shown her charitable side
by marrying Guy Ritchie.
3. Joe Dolce
It's the 25th anniversary of "Shaddup You Face",
and devout Catholic Joe is still going strong. http://www.joedolce.net/
4. David Beckham.
His body art suggests a religious bent, but the
continuing rumours surrounding his private
life might put off those who believe in chastity.
5. Geri Halliwell
Geri was brought up as a Catholic.
Her Kensington house has a picture of
the Virgin Mary in the lounge and reproduction
of the Last Supper in the dining room. http://mylordisjesus.tripod.com/LiftMeUp/
Made your decision? Now email the Vatican's Cardinal-Secretary of State with your nomination: vatio26 at relstat-segstat.va
----------------------------------------------------- A Church in Tuscany claims to have the Holy Foreskin. Jesuit monks in the 19th century, who were obviously bored and curious, "tested it for elasticity". -----------------------------------------------------
>> Stop! Hammer time! <<
How to tell if your pope is dead
Every pope has a chief of staff, called the
Camerlengo. When a pope dies, the Camerlengo must
certify that he is indeed dead. The ritual
tradition is to strike him on the forehead with
a silver hammer, call his baptismal name
three times and place a cloth over his mouth.
If the pope does not respond, the Camerlengo
declares him dead, authorizes a death certificate
and then seals the papal living apartments.
Later, the silver hammer is used to scratch and
break the papal ring and seal, so no documents
can be forged in his name.
----------------------------------------------------- In Seville during the Inquisition, an oven called the Quemado was built, in which you could cook four Jews at the same time. Nice. -----------------------------------------------------
>> Big Question <<
What zealots are asking this week
Which former golden boy has been playing
away with a colleague's wife? Her
mobile phone, which included candid photos
of the pair, was stolen, leading to the
woman being blackmailed. The thief has
now given the photos to two Sunday tabloids
who are in urgent talks with lawyers today
to see how much of this explosive story
they can get away with printing.
Which saintly celebrity is having a
secret affair with the sister-in-law
of a famously badly-behaved TV comic actor?
----------------------------------------------------- There is a list of most likely to die VIPs. After the Pope the next is apparently... Prince Philip. -----------------------------------------------------
>> Papal bull <<
It's not just the ring that gets kissed
The Vatican is still annoyed about Pope Joan,
the female pope who passed herself off as a
man, only to be rumbled and put to death when
she gave birth to the son of a fellow Cardinal
in her accession procession.
To prevent any repetition, the candidate chosen
as the new Pontiff has to sit naked on a special
marble throne in the Vatican. The Cardinals
assemble in a room below the throne, and look up
through a hole to check that all is as
it should be.
Once satisfied with the Holy Nutsack, they
then incant in Latin, "he has testicles and
they hang well'.
----------------------------------------------------- Vegetarians were burnt to death during the Inquisition as it was thought heretical to refuse to kill and eat animals. -----------------------------------------------------
>> What would Jesus screw? <<
A good catholic's guide to sex
You're not allowed to use contraception, so
what can you do?
1. Bumming
Ten rules of anal sex: http://www.sexuality.org/l/incoming/analrule.html
2. Intercrural sex
Sex by sticking the penis between the thighs.
Mentally challenged glamour model Jo Guest was
said to be a big fan of this, but was first made
popular in ancient Greek. One man would stand
with his thighs pressed together, while his
chum achieved sexual pleasure by rubbing his
penis in between the thighs of the
quasi-receptive partner.
3. Use a Mars Bar wrapper
The catholic school version of a condom.
4. Sniff your cervical mucus
Work out when you're not fertile with
the Billings Method. http://www.woomb.org/bom/index.html
5. Bestiality, the Mick Hucknall way http://www.rathergood.com/bunny_too_tight/
---------------------------------------------------- Old Irish Catholic Joke: There was an exorcism in Ireland last week. It took the Devil an hour to get the priest out of the boy. -----------------------------------------------------
>> The Pope must die <<
Brezhnev plays Russian roulette
The pope was shot in May 1981 in Rome by Mehmet
Ali Agca, a Turkish hired assassin. This week
KGB defector Oleg Gordiesky claimed Soviet
Premier Leonid Brezhnev, his Defence
Minister and the head of the KGB persuaded
the Bulgarian dictator Zhizkov to order
the killing
"Agca is either a fool or pretends to be one,"
added Gordiesky. An Italian parliamentary
commission decided last week to re-open
the file on the attempted murder.
----------------------------------------------------- Old Polish Catholic joke: Q. What goes into thirteen twice? A. Roman Polanski. -----------------------------------------------------