[lbo-talk] Query

Doug Henwood dhenwood at panix.com
Thu Mar 3 15:53:03 PST 2005

C. G. Estabrook wrote:

>the bishop of Rome

Speaking of which...I love Popbitch, but I especially love the special Popebitch ish out this morning.



"Dogs fucked the pope" - Raoul Duke ----------------------------------------------------- POPEBITCH

_ __ ___ _ __ ___| |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | __/ |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/ \___|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 03.02.05 issue 247
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Popbitch delivered to you thanks to Pure http://www.pure360.com

* The hanging testicles of the Vatican * Pope Idol: Bono, Beckham or Halliwell? * Charts: Stereophonics will be number one -----------------------------------------------------

>> Welcome to Popebitch <<

JPII yields chair to dirty Ratzinger?

As the pope lies around waiting for death

Popbitch is proud to present popebitch: a

special, one-of-a-kind commemorative issue to

keep and pass on to your grandchildren.

Current favourite to replace John Paul II is the

no-fun conservative Cardinal Ratzinger.

Ratzinger is known for his anti-gay rhetoric,

but rumours are circulating that he

might have a couple of cute, boyish skeletons

in his closet, back in Bavaria...

----------------------------------------------------- When nearly dead, the Pope will be kept on a life support system while the Vatican PR machine gets to work. In the UK, the Queen will be informed first about the Pope's death, then the BBC. -----------------------------------------------------

>> Pope Idol <<

Cast your vote for the new Pontiff

It's time for us all to nominate the next

head of the Catholic Church. Here are

some suggestions.

1. Bono.

He clearly believes he has a hot-line to God.

Let's just hope those Andrea Corr stories

aren't true.

2. Madonna

It would be good to see her rocking a crucifix

again. She's also shown her charitable side

by marrying Guy Ritchie.

3. Joe Dolce

It's the 25th anniversary of "Shaddup You Face",

and devout Catholic Joe is still going strong. http://www.joedolce.net/

4. David Beckham.

His body art suggests a religious bent, but the

continuing rumours surrounding his private

life might put off those who believe in chastity.

5. Geri Halliwell

Geri was brought up as a Catholic.

Her Kensington house has a picture of

the Virgin Mary in the lounge and reproduction

of the Last Supper in the dining room. http://mylordisjesus.tripod.com/LiftMeUp/

Made your decision? Now email the Vatican's Cardinal-Secretary of State with your nomination: vatio26 at relstat-segstat.va

----------------------------------------------------- A Church in Tuscany claims to have the Holy Foreskin. Jesuit monks in the 19th century, who were obviously bored and curious, "tested it for elasticity". -----------------------------------------------------

>> Stop! Hammer time! <<

How to tell if your pope is dead

Every pope has a chief of staff, called the

Camerlengo. When a pope dies, the Camerlengo must

certify that he is indeed dead. The ritual

tradition is to strike him on the forehead with

a silver hammer, call his baptismal name

three times and place a cloth over his mouth.

If the pope does not respond, the Camerlengo

declares him dead, authorizes a death certificate

and then seals the papal living apartments.

Later, the silver hammer is used to scratch and

break the papal ring and seal, so no documents

can be forged in his name.

----------------------------------------------------- In Seville during the Inquisition, an oven called the Quemado was built, in which you could cook four Jews at the same time. Nice. -----------------------------------------------------

>> Big Question <<

What zealots are asking this week

Which former golden boy has been playing

away with a colleague's wife? Her

mobile phone, which included candid photos

of the pair, was stolen, leading to the

woman being blackmailed. The thief has

now given the photos to two Sunday tabloids

who are in urgent talks with lawyers today

to see how much of this explosive story

they can get away with printing.

Which saintly celebrity is having a

secret affair with the sister-in-law

of a famously badly-behaved TV comic actor?

----------------------------------------------------- There is a list of most likely to die VIPs. After the Pope the next is apparently... Prince Philip. -----------------------------------------------------

>> Papal bull <<

It's not just the ring that gets kissed

The Vatican is still annoyed about Pope Joan,

the female pope who passed herself off as a

man, only to be rumbled and put to death when

she gave birth to the son of a fellow Cardinal

in her accession procession.

To prevent any repetition, the candidate chosen

as the new Pontiff has to sit naked on a special

marble throne in the Vatican. The Cardinals

assemble in a room below the throne, and look up

through a hole to check that all is as

it should be.

Once satisfied with the Holy Nutsack, they

then incant in Latin, "he has testicles and

they hang well'.

----------------------------------------------------- Vegetarians were burnt to death during the Inquisition as it was thought heretical to refuse to kill and eat animals. -----------------------------------------------------

>> What would Jesus screw? <<

A good catholic's guide to sex

You're not allowed to use contraception, so

what can you do?

1. Bumming

Ten rules of anal sex: http://www.sexuality.org/l/incoming/analrule.html

2. Intercrural sex

Sex by sticking the penis between the thighs.

Mentally challenged glamour model Jo Guest was

said to be a big fan of this, but was first made

popular in ancient Greek. One man would stand

with his thighs pressed together, while his

chum achieved sexual pleasure by rubbing his

penis in between the thighs of the

quasi-receptive partner.

3. Use a Mars Bar wrapper

The catholic school version of a condom.

4. Sniff your cervical mucus

Work out when you're not fertile with

the Billings Method. http://www.woomb.org/bom/index.html

5. Bestiality, the Mick Hucknall way http://www.rathergood.com/bunny_too_tight/

---------------------------------------------------- Old Irish Catholic Joke: There was an exorcism in Ireland last week. It took the Devil an hour to get the priest out of the boy. -----------------------------------------------------

>> The Pope must die <<

Brezhnev plays Russian roulette

The pope was shot in May 1981 in Rome by Mehmet

Ali Agca, a Turkish hired assassin. This week

KGB defector Oleg Gordiesky claimed Soviet

Premier Leonid Brezhnev, his Defence

Minister and the head of the KGB persuaded

the Bulgarian dictator Zhizkov to order

the killing

"Agca is either a fool or pretends to be one,"

added Gordiesky. An Italian parliamentary

commission decided last week to re-open

the file on the attempted murder.

----------------------------------------------------- Old Polish Catholic joke: Q. What goes into thirteen twice? A. Roman Polanski. -----------------------------------------------------

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