[lbo-talk] So this gorilla walks into a bar...

lbo at inkworkswell.com lbo at inkworkswell.com
Tue Mar 15 23:10:00 PST 2005


posted to nettime:

< http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2005/03/hermeneutics.html >

Mar 13, 2005

Hermeneutics

Our Text:

So this gorilla walks into a bar. The gorilla slaps a $10 bill on the

counter and says, "Give me a beer."

Bartender figures what does a gorilla know? So he gives him the beer,

but only gives him $1 in change. It's a slow night, though, so the

bartender figures he should make some conversation. "We don't get many

gorillas in here," he says.

Gorilla says, "Yeah, well at $9 a beer I'm not surprised."

The Fundamentalist Interpretation

(Fundamentalists read the text literally. This means they adhere as

closely as possible to the simplest, most obvious reading of its

meaning.)

The talking gorilla indicates that the great apes, perhaps all beasts,

once were able to speak. This, like the great longevity of the early

patriarchs, seems incomprehensible to us. Yet the text says it is so,

so therefore it is so.

How is it that gorillas could speak? How is it that Methuselah could

live to the ripe old age of 969? Those of you who have been attending

our Wednesday night Bible study series, "Six Days; 6,000 Years Ago,"

already know the answer to these questions.

In Matthew 24:38, Jesus says that, "in the days that were before the

flood they were eating and drinking ..." Our story is set in a bar, a

place designated for eating and drinking, so we can conclude that it

takes place "in the days that were before the flood."

Please note, however, that this was not what we today understand as

the sin of drinking. The "beer" in our text is not the alcoholic

beverage we think of today, just as the "wine" the Bible speaks of is

not what we think of as wine. (Drinking wine is a sin. Jesus was

without sin. Jesus drank "wine." Therefore "wine" is not wine.) The

"beer" the story speaks of thus was probably a nonalcoholic drink

similar to malta.

In the days that were before the flood, the earth was still protected

by the great [8]vapor canopy, or "firmament" (Genesis 1:6-8, KJV only,

of course). This canopy shielded the earth, protecting the

grandchildren of Adam and Eve and allowing them to live much longer

than humans can today without the benefit of its protection. Creation

scientists have posited that another consequence of this canopy may

have been that, um, gorillas could talk. They lost this ability of

speech after God unleashed the canopy, creating the Great Flood.

Public schools refuse to acknowledge that gorillas could ever speak.

This is an example of the persecution that we face as believers.

The Premillennial Dispensationalist Interpretation

(Premillennial dispensationalists also consider their interpretation

of the text to be literal, but they also believe that we must "rightly

divide" the word of truth [see 1 Tim. 2:15]. The dispensational

approach provides a key -- a kind of codebreaker -- for interpreting

the text, which is explained in simple charts [9]like this one.)

The meaning of this passage is made clear through its use of the

number nine: 9 = 3 + 6, or three sixes, or 666. The bartender thus

clearly represents the Antichrist, who gives this number to the

gorilla, or Beast.

The beer represents the alcoholic wine consumed by the apostate church

of Rome. The $10 presented by the gorilla represents the 10 kings of

the rebuilt Roman Empire, also represented by the 10 horns of the

Beast described in Revelation 13:1. The apostle John, of course, would

never have seen a gorilla firsthand and thus could not known what to

call this Beast, but consider the description John provides in

Revelation 13:2: "The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet

like those of a bear [i.e., Soviet Russia] and a mouth like that of a

lion." That sounds very much like a gorilla (or, perhaps, a gorilla in

a leopard suit).

Thus our text makes it clear that the Antichrist is none other than

the Roman Pope and that his servant is [DEL: Leonid Brezhnev :DEL]

Saddam Hussein.

I have read that in many bars and restaurants in places like New York

City it is not uncommon for patrons to be charged $9 for a beer. Such

prices were unheard of before the recreation of the state of Israel in

1948.

The signs therefore are clear: We are living in the Last Days. Even

now, the Bartender and his servant the Gorilla are preparing for a

one-world government and a New World Order that will mark the

beginning of the Tribulation.

Posted by Fred Clark on Mar 13, 2005 at 07:55 PM | [10]Permalink

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http://www.inkworkswell.com

"Be a scribe! Your body will be sleek, your hand will be soft. You are one who sits grandly in your house; your servants answer speedily; beer is poured copiously; all who see you rejoice in good cheer. Happy is the heart of him who writes; he is young each day."

--Ptahhotep, Vizier to Isesi,

Fifth Egyptian Dynasty, 2300 BC

http://www.inkworkswell.com

"Be a scribe! Your body will be sleek, your hand will be soft. You are one who sits grandly in your house; your servants answer speedily; beer is poured copiously; all who see you rejoice in good cheer. Happy is the heart of him who writes; he is young each day."

--Ptahhotep, Vizier to Isesi,

Fifth Egyptian Dynasty, 2300 BC



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