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Mar 13, 2005
Hermeneutics
Our Text:
So this gorilla walks into a bar. The gorilla slaps a $10 bill on the
counter and says, "Give me a beer."
Bartender figures what does a gorilla know? So he gives him the beer,
but only gives him $1 in change. It's a slow night, though, so the
bartender figures he should make some conversation. "We don't get many
gorillas in here," he says.
Gorilla says, "Yeah, well at $9 a beer I'm not surprised."
The Fundamentalist Interpretation
(Fundamentalists read the text literally. This means they adhere as
closely as possible to the simplest, most obvious reading of its
meaning.)
The talking gorilla indicates that the great apes, perhaps all beasts,
once were able to speak. This, like the great longevity of the early
patriarchs, seems incomprehensible to us. Yet the text says it is so,
so therefore it is so.
How is it that gorillas could speak? How is it that Methuselah could
live to the ripe old age of 969? Those of you who have been attending
our Wednesday night Bible study series, "Six Days; 6,000 Years Ago,"
already know the answer to these questions.
In Matthew 24:38, Jesus says that, "in the days that were before the
flood they were eating and drinking ..." Our story is set in a bar, a
place designated for eating and drinking, so we can conclude that it
takes place "in the days that were before the flood."
Please note, however, that this was not what we today understand as
the sin of drinking. The "beer" in our text is not the alcoholic
beverage we think of today, just as the "wine" the Bible speaks of is
not what we think of as wine. (Drinking wine is a sin. Jesus was
without sin. Jesus drank "wine." Therefore "wine" is not wine.) The
"beer" the story speaks of thus was probably a nonalcoholic drink
similar to malta.
In the days that were before the flood, the earth was still protected
by the great [8]vapor canopy, or "firmament" (Genesis 1:6-8, KJV only,
of course). This canopy shielded the earth, protecting the
grandchildren of Adam and Eve and allowing them to live much longer
than humans can today without the benefit of its protection. Creation
scientists have posited that another consequence of this canopy may
have been that, um, gorillas could talk. They lost this ability of
speech after God unleashed the canopy, creating the Great Flood.
Public schools refuse to acknowledge that gorillas could ever speak.
This is an example of the persecution that we face as believers.
The Premillennial Dispensationalist Interpretation
(Premillennial dispensationalists also consider their interpretation
of the text to be literal, but they also believe that we must "rightly
divide" the word of truth [see 1 Tim. 2:15]. The dispensational
approach provides a key -- a kind of codebreaker -- for interpreting
the text, which is explained in simple charts [9]like this one.)
The meaning of this passage is made clear through its use of the
number nine: 9 = 3 + 6, or three sixes, or 666. The bartender thus
clearly represents the Antichrist, who gives this number to the
gorilla, or Beast.
The beer represents the alcoholic wine consumed by the apostate church
of Rome. The $10 presented by the gorilla represents the 10 kings of
the rebuilt Roman Empire, also represented by the 10 horns of the
Beast described in Revelation 13:1. The apostle John, of course, would
never have seen a gorilla firsthand and thus could not known what to
call this Beast, but consider the description John provides in
Revelation 13:2: "The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet
like those of a bear [i.e., Soviet Russia] and a mouth like that of a
lion." That sounds very much like a gorilla (or, perhaps, a gorilla in
a leopard suit).
Thus our text makes it clear that the Antichrist is none other than
the Roman Pope and that his servant is [DEL: Leonid Brezhnev :DEL]
Saddam Hussein.
I have read that in many bars and restaurants in places like New York
City it is not uncommon for patrons to be charged $9 for a beer. Such
prices were unheard of before the recreation of the state of Israel in
1948.
The signs therefore are clear: We are living in the Last Days. Even
now, the Bartender and his servant the Gorilla are preparing for a
one-world government and a New World Order that will mark the
beginning of the Tribulation.
Posted by Fred Clark on Mar 13, 2005 at 07:55 PM | [10]Permalink
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"Be a scribe! Your body will be sleek, your hand will be soft. You are one who sits grandly in your house; your servants answer speedily; beer is poured copiously; all who see you rejoice in good cheer. Happy is the heart of him who writes; he is young each day."
--Ptahhotep, Vizier to Isesi,
Fifth Egyptian Dynasty, 2300 BC
"Be a scribe! Your body will be sleek, your hand will be soft. You are one who sits grandly in your house; your servants answer speedily; beer is poured copiously; all who see you rejoice in good cheer. Happy is the heart of him who writes; he is young each day."
--Ptahhotep, Vizier to Isesi,
Fifth Egyptian Dynasty, 2300 BC