>> Richards just hired publicist Howard Rubenstein
>
> Wow. I guess he's got the money, from all those
> Seinfeld residuals. That Letterman interview was
> painful to watch - I had to stop halfway though;
> I've never seen anyone who looked so destroyed.
> Doug
>
> ^^^^
> CB: Actually, I ain't mad at him. I got this feeling
> that _maybe_ he was sort of over identifying with
> Black people/Gangster rappers or something. * * *
MICHAEL RICHARDS TO APPEAR ON OPARH
By Russel Harvey, Copyright, 2006.
Following his appearance on Letterman, to explain his use of the "n" word, Michael Richards taped an episode of Oprah, to be broadcast tomorrow.
As I have a friend at HARPO productions, I was able to obtain a transcript before the interview airs.
OPRAH: Welcome back. I'm talking with Jerry Seinfeld. What went through your mind when you saw that video of your friend, Michael Richards, at the Laugh Factory, using the "N" word?
SEINFELD: I was shocked, myself. And, it's kind of ironic, because I thought Julia Louis-Dreyfus broke the Seinfeld curse when she won the Emmy for the New Adventures of Old Christine. But, you have to remember. Michael isn't really my friend. He's an actor I hired to play my friend, Kramer, who was based on a real friend of mine, named Kramer, on my TV show, Seinfeld, where I played myself, which was based on my life. It's kind of like the way you hired that guy Steadman to play your boyfriend. You know, the irony of this whole thing is that Michael and I are both Jewish and Michael could have avoided all this trouble by simply using the Jewish code word for the N word.
OPRAH: Which is?
SEINFELD: Schvartze.
OPRAH: Schvartze.
SEINFELD: Kind of rhymes with Matzo. But there's an R in it.
OPRAH: I've heard that word. It means...
SEINFELD: Schvartze or Matzo.
OPRAH: I know what Matzo is. I've eaten a whole lotta matzo. Girlfriends! Matzo and cheese. Matzo and cream cheese. Matzo and ice cream. Matzo and caviar.
SEINFELD: Schvartze is basically black.
OPRAH: Black. Like in a person.
SEINFELD: It could be anything, but, yes, usually it's like a person.
OPRAH: So you would say, "oh, look at that Schvartze person."
SEINFELD: No, you'd basically just say, "look at that Schvartze." But, usually it's more like, "let's cross the street to get away from those Schvartzes."
OPRAH: So, other comedians use Schvartze instead of the N word.
SEINFELD: All the time. I'm surprised Jackie Mason hasn't sued Michael for stealing his act.
OPRAH: Does Schvartze always mean something bad?
SEINFELD: It's all situational. It depends totally on the Jew who saying it and the Schvartze it's being said about.
OPRAH: So, there are good Schvartzes and bad Schvartzes.
SEINFELD: Exactly. Also, the double negative applies. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
OPRAH: In other words, black plus black equals white.
SEINFELD: That's the power of the double negative Schwartze: you can even be the Governor. One day you're in Total recall and the next thing you know you win the recall election.
OPRAH: So, does that tape, at the Laugh Factory, of Michael Richards using the N word, show the real Michael Richards?
SEINFELD: I can't answer that. I don't know the real Michael Richards. For all I know, he doesn't even exist. Maybe he's just an actor named Michael Richards who was hired to play Michael Richards. Or, maybe his real name is Richard Michaels. The important thing is, he wants to apologize, and I think he deserves to have the right to apologize. He's earned that right. I've earned that right. We've both made a lot of money for this industry, and the real tragedy would be if this whole thing were to hurt the sale of Seinfeld, season 7, which has just been released and is available on DVD.
OPRAH: And everyone in today's audience will get a copy of that DVD. Girlfriends. And, viewers watching at home can get a copy of that DVD from our friends at Target.
SEINFELD: Good segue, Oprah. Anyway. Michael is here, by satellite. His exact location is being kept a secret for security reasons.
MICHAEL RICHARDS APPEARS ON A GIANT TV SCREEN
OPRAH: Hello, Michael.
MICHAEL RICHARDS: Hello, Oprah.
OPRAH: How are you?
MICHAEL RICHARDS: Not too good. I'm really bummed. This has kind of hit me hard. I don't know where all this anger came from. If it makes anyone feel better, I'm ready to enter rehab and admit that I've been secretly living an Afro American lifestyle. I don't know where this anger is that's in me but it comes out of me and then it's out there and it's a part of me and it's a part of all of us and I've hurt a lot of people who were present at the comedy club where I had my meltdown. The freaky thing is, I'm not a racist.
OPRAH: Now, Micheal, the reason you're here is you have to own up to it.
MICHAEL RICHARDS: Don't tell me what to own. A hundred years ago, I would have owned you, and you'd be hanging upside down from a tree with a fork up your fat ass.
OPRAH: This is an apology?
MICHAEL RICHARDS: Just because you have a talk show don't think you can get uppity and tell me what to own, n-word.
OPRAH: Did you just use the N word.
JERRY: He did just use the N word.
MICHAEL RICHARDS: Yeah, I used it. What are you going to do about it, n-word? Walk off your own show, n-word? Go ahead, n-word! Go ahead, arrest me for calling a n-word a n-word. N-word, n-word, n-word. Ooh, look at the n-word. You're all a bunch of n-words. N-word, n-word, n-word, n-word, n-word.
OPRAH: That's all for today. Join us tomorrow.
JERRY: Seinfeld, Season Seven, on DVD, available everywhere.
ROLL CREDITS.