[lbo-talk] The Onion's "Our Dumb World" entry on the United States of America

[B.]

["Our Dumb World" is a hardback book masquerading as a
world atlas, with an entry about every country on the
planet. The entry about America is a brilliant little
satirical gem... Almost has the rhythm of William S.
Burrough's "Thanksgiving Prayer." Or Bierce. Good
stuff. -B.]

Our Dumb World
p. 9

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

The Land of Opportunism

The United States was founded in 1776 on the
principles of life, liberty, and the reckless pursuit
of happiness at any cost -- even life and liberty.

America is a place where even the poorest immigrant
can, through hard work and dedication, achieve the
American Dream for his employer. Where children are
the most important exploitable natural resource. Where
at any given moment opportunity may knock on your
door, and if you're not home, break in through your
window and take everything you've got.

America is the birthplace of the entrepreneur, the
entrepreneur's assistant, the entrepreneurial
coordinator, and the special consultant to the
entrepreneur.

It is a nation where freedom rings from coast to
coast, over and over again, until you finally decide
to pick up the phone and agree to cover a coworker's
night shift. A nation where any man can arrive with
nothing ore than a few pennies in his pocket, the hope
of a better life, a passport, two I-9 forms, proof of
employment, reference letters from reliable sponsors,
and through sheer persistence finally convince a
border guard to let him into the country.

America is a land of equality for all, and special,
better equality for some. It is a land where the
streets are paved with gold, and the ditches are paved
with unskilled laborers forced to lay down that gold.
A nation where any determined individual can climb to
the top of the corporate ladder and kick it down so
that no one else can. Where a man can go from rags to
riches almost overnight, and from riches back to rags
in even less time, tehn write a book about it, option
the rights to a TV network or film studio, and blow
all that money on drugs.

Most importantly, however, the United States is a
place where any citizen has the chance to serve his
country, regardless of color, creed, or whether he's
just served his country for three years and wants
desperately to go home.

In America, any millionaire can, through hard work and
determination, exploit others to become a billionaire.

[...]