U.S. President George "Dubya" Bush tonight was recovering from an assassination attempt by a terrorist Pretzel (or, as the president said, "Pretzelian"). Although he fell off his couch and remained unconscious for "several seconds" (according to occasionally reliable White House sources), the president was said by those sources to be recovering well, and was in control of the government as usual.
Pentagon sources said that this outrageous attack, thought to have been planned by the recently disappeared Usama Bin Laden, would not be tolerated. Bombing of Pretzlistan was scheduled to begin as soon as a map could be found on which that reclusive emirate could be located.
The White House characterized as "absurd and unfounded" assertions that Bush had invented the incident as a pretext to force the Pretzlistan government to permit construction of a beer pipeline through its territory and that he had previously accepted large campaign contributions from Pretzlian nobles. The spokesman said "It is well known that the prez is a putz, not a pretz." Speaking for Phillip Morris, brewers of Miller Highlife and other quality products, corporate spokesman Johnny confirmed this: "The prez is not a pretz. He is a born-again teetotaller, and only a putz would try to eat pretzels without beer."
Vice-President Chaney, as usual, was in an undisclosed secure location and could not be reached for comment