A law professor, code named "Andie", has weighed in with sagacious advice. Which is good if you like accuracy and listening to people who know what they're talking about.
But if you're at all like me - a steel eyed risk taker who drives too fast, maxes out multiple credit cards, uses a hairless Egyptian cat named Apophis as a marriage counselor and enjoys the odd hunting trip with Dick "ooops-a-daisy" Cheney - you're hungry for alternative sources of information.
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Citizen's Arrest Fun Fact One: Use of lasers is not only permitted, but encouraged.
Today's super criminal, hepped up on a drug cocktail of Dianabol, Haldol, Dextromephorphan and Red Bull laughs at bullets as yesterday's anti-crime tool. To deal with such miscreants you must use coherent light - the more coherent, the better.
Don't hesitate to deploy your laser to intercept even the most harmless seeming offense: loud radio playing, for example. As the perp burns, screaming the name of his mum and perhaps, the "what a world" quote from the 'Wizard of Oz', your neighbors will applaud your bravery: just as neighbors do in the movies.
Citizen's Arrest Fun Fact Two: Yes, monkeys are involved.
As every schoolchild knows, monkeys are natural crime fighters. Recent studies conducted at "The Institute" confirm what we've sensed all along: God made monkeys (maybe on the busy third day of creation) to act as every man's Robin or Kato or fill in the name of your own favorite sidekick.
With a properly trained monkey at your side, crime doesn't stand a chance!
Citizen's Arrest Fun Fact Three: Why not use explosives?
Consider this scenario...
A smarmy, non-handicapped guy driving a Mercedes S-Class parks in a handicapped space at Target.
He's broken the law. Quick! Now's the time for your minutes of training as a citizen arrester to come into play. With the assistance of Generalissimo Bubbles, your faithful monkey partner, you place several blocks of semetex beneath the offender's overpriced car. Using your laser (see fun fact one) you trigger the detonator.
Of course, much of the parking lot, half of the store and many other cars are destroyed but this is a small price to pay for the continued rule of law!
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I hope you've taken these helpful tips to heart and will use them as a guide as you begin your citizen's arresting career.
God's speed Citizens!
.d.